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I love tan lines... it`s like God came down and high-lighted all the good parts... ;-)
I do not have commitment issues... I`ve been buying the same brand of vodka for 8 years!
When you consider names for your baby, it`s important to try out the middle name in an angry voice.
I love it when someone insults me. That means I don`t have to be nice anymore.
You know you`re broke when your bank flags deposits as suspicious activity.
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
IRS: We`ve got what it takes to take what you`ve got.
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
OMG, you`re huge! There`s no way you`ll fit inside me.- My clothes probably.
I thought I was losing weight, but it turned out my sweatpants had come untied.
Sixth in line to the throne takes on a different meaning when you’re not in the royal family but in a dive bar.
Good Morning: You, my friends are the reason I wake up every morning ? LOL JK, I have to pee.
If I didn`t drink, how would everyone know how much I love them at 2am?
My new diet is not buying things at the store that make the cashier say wow someone`s having a party
When I was little I didn`t care about things like what to wear, my parents dressed me. Looking back at some of my old pictures, it`s obvious that my parents didn`t care either.