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Summer vacation: Where you drink triple, see double and act single.
I’m going to start telling women that I’m available for a limited time only in hopes that their shopping instinct kicks in.
Sarcasm, I put that sh!t on everything
Thanks to Facebook i now know what everyones bathroom looks like.
I should`ve married myself. I`ve never said no to sex. Not once. Not one single time ever.
"Why haven`t you been answering my pigeons?" - 17th century sext
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell, well he actually told me to eat "less McDonalds" but I`m pretty sure I know what he meant.
Weird that we don`t see more pants on fire
A homeless man comes up to me asking for change, I say "Change comes from within." He looked stunned.
Ate salad for dinner! Mostly croutons & tomatoes. Really just one big, round crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese. I ate a pizza.
I bet Bruce Wayne sometimes accidentally signs his credit card receipts “Batman” when he’s drunk. I know I do.
I wish electronics would scream a little bit when you unplugged them.
A part of me wants to go on a diet and eat healthy. Sadly that part of me is a liar.
Gravity didn`t seem this strong twenty-five years ago.
Never resist a mad impulse to do something nice for me.