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I force my dog to watch animal abuse commercials just to show him how good he has it.
It is days like today that I am glad that we all don`t live in a Yellow Submarine. Well at least not in the same one.
Note to self: When sending Valentines messages don`t use group text next year.
Not to brag, but I don`t even need alcohol to make really bad decisions.
Detroit and Chicago seem to be getting it right as of late. Limit all politicians to two terms. One in elected Office and one in prison.
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
Texts from mom: Thanks to the supreme court, now it`s not just women who won`t marry you.
I wish my car was fueled by my lack of desire to go to work.
Why is it that flies can get in your car so easy, but can`t figure out how to escape with all the windows down.
Sometimes I like to take a roll of duct tape and use it to cover up all the Mondays on my desk calendar.
I know there are some people we say were dropped on their heads as babies. But there are others that were clearly thrown in the air, hit the ceiling fan, bounced off the wall & fell out the window.
I was told there would be kool-aid.
The difference between cheating on your wife and cheating on your taxes is if you tell the truth, the IRS still wants to f*ck you.
It`s hard to focus on a home workout when your home also contains a refrigerator full of delicious food
Scientists say the universe is made up of protons, neutrons and electrons. They forgot to mention Morons!