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Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
Sorry I kept stopping erratically. I was pumping SCREW YOU in Morse Code with my brake lights.
Reasons why I never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don`t have iPhone. 2) I don`t have a girlfriend.
Good to know that if they ever release a lion in Walmart you only have to run faster than the fat lady with the zebra print pants on.
My date just saved me tons of money by simply saying, "no, I don`t want to be your valentine and stop texting me!"
1. OMG will this ever end? 2. OMG will this ever end? 3. OMG will this ever end? - top 3 things on my mind when I`m in a conversation
To skip any youtube ad just change ‘youtube’ to ‘youtubeskip’ in the url of any video. You’re welcome.
They used to be called "jumpolines" until you jumped on one...
It`s gonna be hotter than Billy Ray Cyrus after watching his daughters performance on the VMA`s tomorrow!
If I had a dollar for every time someone told me I was ugly, I`d be broke as hell because I`m a sexy beast!!
Don`t let anyone tell you what you can`t accomplish. That`s what self-doubt is for.
I never let anyone see me eat junk food. Not because I`m afraid they will judge me. I just don`t want to share.
Her profile said she was a stone cold freak. Turns out she was just a wrestling fan with bad capitalization skills. :(
You know you are in the hood when your portable GPS says “Drive faster and put me under the seat.”
I love strapping my kids into their car seats. It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.