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I was thinking about selling my old phone but I think it knows too much.
Saw some idiot put a water bottle where the Pringles go on the treadmill.
I`m an optimist. I didn`t lose a sock in the dryer. I found an extra one!
You’re probably naked under all those clothes. You slut.
Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn`t leave much room. It`s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
The longest yard for me is that space between me and the nacho dip
I must have a great butt because every time I finish talking with someone and start to walk away, I hear them whisper "What an a$$."
I don`t really like the idea that James Franco might be in my grandkids` history textbooks.
FACT: How kids feel about snow days is the exact opposite of how parents feel about snow days.
Is it just me or is waking up at 3am and trying to read a text message like looking directly into the sun?
I hate it when I fill my blowup doll with helium and then she plays hard to get...
I got food poisoning today. I don`t know when I`ll use it though.
Defies physics: I eat half a pound of food, `purge` 1 pound of it, and then gain five pounds because of it-- WTF?
Nothing says you mean business more than putting on a bib before you eat a girl out