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My sister told me I was not allowed to babysit anymore. Apparently the baby monitor is not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby`s ankle.
If you like to make love while listeninag to music, always choose live album. ..That way you`ll get an applause every 3 to 4 minutes. :)
My workout plan really only consists of me wandering around in parking lots because I forgot where I parked...
If your phone doesn´t ring it´s me.
I really need a day inbetween Saturday an Sunday
I remember when the internet was two tin cans and a string.
Without the sanctity of marriage there wouldn`t be job security for divorce attorneys and marriage counselors.
I once dated a girl with a parrot. The thing was crazy and never shut up! The parrot was cool though.
I take so many things with a grain of salt that I`m surprised I don`t have high blood pressure.
Irony: Asking God to help you on a science exam.
I put the b!tch in the kitchen.~ last thing I remember saying before I woke up in the hospital.
Money went much further in the 1980s when you could peel the price stickers off milk cartons and stick them on anything you needed
I want to meet the guy whose complaint led to cashiers asking me if it`s okay if they put the receipt in my bag.
If your cat has a Facebook page, we can`t be friends.
I wonder if birds look at planes and think "man, I`ve really got to hit the gym"