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I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
Statistics say that 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea. Does that mean that 1 enjoys it?
Instead of a selfie, you should take a someone elsie.
OMG, you`re huge! There`s no way you`ll fit inside me.- My clothes probably.
Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.
Destiny may decide who touches your Life. Your heart may decide who touches your Soul. But…Tequila decides who touches your body
You never know how dirty a song’s lyrics are…until you hear a child sing them.
I`ve got big plans for the weekend. If things go well, come Monday morning I`m gonna need a chiropractor, a psychiatrist, a priest and bail money.
There is a gym called Anytime Fitness. I choose 2030.
Some days are better than others. And those days always involve alcohol.
I`ve accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.
My newsfeed looks like a cross between a Civil War Soldier and ZZ Top photo album.
You want me to smile? How can I smile when 28% of Americans aren`t getting enough fiber?
Me: I must be out of my mind. Me: You and me both.
Every so often you come across a person who always smiles no matter what, that person is the reason why random bitch slaps should be a thing