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My girlfriend thinks I`m a stalker. . . . well. . . she`s not exactly my girlfriend yet.
If I told you I loved you, would you believe me or just stand there freaking out about me being in your closet?
My kids don`t even know they have a grandma that gives them $100 on their birthdays
This pill bottle says `Take with plenty of fluids` and `Don`t take with alcohol`. That doesn`t even make sense
If I ask my dad to take a picture of me with my phone there is a 99% chance it will be a video of me yelling "It`s the button on the left!"
The number one reason why trick or treating is better than sex is, you can do the whole neighborhood.
I got my stomach by doing as many crunches as I can everyday. Usually either Nestle or Captain.
Eventually, the entire written English language will be taken over by emoticons. Teenage girls will bring us back to Egyptian hieroglyphics.
This status has been censored by Facebook
Can you imagine the reaction 20 years ago if you showed people a photo album filled with pictures you took of yourself in the bathroom?
Trust me... You don`t want my undivided attention.
Good job on the speed traps, cops – How are the murderer traps coming along?
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazines for the articles?
I hate being bipolar, it`s great .
Sometimes I watch sports holding an xbox controller just to screw with my girlfriend`s head.