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If doing things was as easy as thinking about doing things I’d get a lot more done.
My sex tape would just be called Home Alone.
Oh look, it`s raining outside. I think I`ll go on Facebook and update all my friends that don`t have a window of their own.
The most powerful I ever feel is waving pedestrians to walk in front of my car. "Go forth, and trust that I will not kill you."
I chose the wrong fork in the road, took the road less travelled and got off the beaten path and now I don`t know where the hell I am.
My favorite sexual position is pretty much any of them. I`m just glad to be involved.
I love how twix come with two bars so I can eat one now and the other immediately after
The ski racks on my car say I’m fun, adventurous, and can’t figure out how to take the ski racks off my car.
Perfect has 7 letters and so does meeeeee ....Coincidence? I think not.
I don`t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we`re both pointing at the same tornado.
Hey, guy from the gym with lifting gloves still on, you can take them off now, you`re in Starbucks.
Why don`t you slip into something more comfortable, like a coma
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn`t even value half of all his assets.
The only thing instant glue sticks to instantly is fingers.
Thursday doesn`t even count as a day, it`s just the thing that`s blocking friday.