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I purchased my own Taser off the internet the other day. In a totally unconnected incident, I´ve got to buy a cat to replace the neighbors one this afternoon.
"Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we`ll call you a liar." -insurance
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
Jealously is something you’re good at when you suck at everything else.
HardCoreStrategy 22 hours ago 6 3? Guys are? in a cafe. The first guy says "I?? have the smallest arm in the? world." The second guy says I have the?? smallest head in? the world." The third guy says I have the smallest d^ck in the world. They all? go to? the Guinness Book of World records. The? first? guy comes back and says I really? have the smallest arm in the world. The seconds guy? returns and? says? I have the smallest head in the world. The third guy comes back? and angrily?? says WHO? T
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
It makes sense that animals pee on something to mark their territory. I mean if someone peed on something, most people would be like, "Eww, okay. That`s yours now."
I believe in karma, which is why I`m such a d!ck to total strangers, just in case they deserve it.
Some of the best decisions I`ve ever made involved me clicking cancel instead of send
OH I´m sorry! I didn´t realise you were giving me a dirty look. I just thought you were ugly like that all the time!
The song "Take me out to the Ballgame" is sung almost exclusively by people who are already at a ballgame.
Nothing says love like hearing a toilet flush on the other end of the phone.
I`m on my 5th coffee, just in case you`re wondering about the "other way" to get to Narnia .
The club sandwich, for when a knuckle sandwich just isn`t enough...
There are weight limits on car seats, airlines, skydiving, military, horseback riding, kayaks, and bikes……how is it there are no weight limit on high heels?