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Marriage is something you should pay for and divorce should be free. You might think twice before buying into it.
Stapling water to a tree is easier than controlling your laughter at serious times.
if your an astronaut, and you don`t end a relationship with "look, I just need space.." then your wasting everyones time
I spend more time looking in the fridge than I actually do eating.
I`m not saying that I`ve been online too long, I`m just saying that when I close my eyes I scroll through my thoughts
I once ran a Half Marathon. Well, I say that because it sounds better than saying I collapsed and almost died halfway through a Full Marathon.
How dare you incinerate that I don`t know big words.
My New Years Resolution is to be more positive and less sarcastic...I wonder how long this bull$hit fantasy will last.
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
"Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it, I better call the police!" - literally no one ever
What makes fancy green beans fancy?
I hate when people say, "I gotta get my body right for the summer." ...like, wtf are you going to do about your face???
I looked up "thesaurus" in my thesaurus and it says "Don`t be a smart-ass".
I`m not perfect, but I`m the best me there is or ever will be.
Excellent Group Ice Breaker: Do you think sailors feel pressured to swear?