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If my statuses had a smell.. they would smell funny
Dear college students, Sorry about your GPA. - Netflix
Drinking coffee in the afternoon is like eating the mushroom that makes you big in Super Mario.
They don`t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts.
My wife was out of town, so I had to run the morning routine by myself today. I learned a lot. For example, apparently I have two kids.
If my girl didn`t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn`t have said she bought it "for me." Women are confusing.
There are people in life you could NEVER get tired of hitting with a shovel!!!
If Olympic drinking was an event I would probably take gold in the floor routine.
I once ran a Half Marathon. Well, I say that because it sounds better than saying I collapsed and almost died halfway through a Full Marathon.
I`m just saying it might be a good idea for Liam Neeson`s to take his family members to the vet and get them microchipped.
A moment of silence to all the kids who can’t wait to become a teenager because they think it’s fun..
Don`t forget to get your hurricane glasses before looking at it.
"nice crocs. where did you get them?" - nobody ever
Can you shut up now?! Because talking to you sounds less appealing then playing leapfrog with unicorns.
People often mistake me for being a good listener. The truth is, I really just don`t want to talk.