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A stranger at Walmart just coughed in my face, so I`ve probably only got two, maybe three, days to live.
Was shopping when a small child riding shotgun in a shopping cart yelling "why you ain`t got no babies?"I bet my father in law paid her
The first person who discovered how to make popcorn must have been like "WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON!"
When people say "You look so familiar" responding with "Were we in prison together?" is almost always a conversation killer.
I`m certain that the reason for Wasps, Hornets, and Yellowjackets was to remind grown men that they can still scream like a little girl.
Has it ever occurred to optimists and pessimists that the glass is refillable?
"Let the chips fall where they may." -My kids when they`re eating chips on the couch.
A psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog’s IQ. Here’s how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.
The grass is always greener over the septic tank
I’m not a comedian. I don’t tell jokes. I just tell the truth in a way it sounds funny.
If by `the Hamptons` you mean `my pajamas`, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons
If I can`t convince you, I will sure as hell confuse you.
Know what this salad needs? A Big Mac.
Porn teaches kids an unhealthy and unrealistic idea of how quickly a plumber will come to your house.
The best part about being over 40 is we did most of our stupid stuff before the internet.