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Modern video games are giving kids unrealistic standards of how many swords they can carry at one time.
I`m going to get one of those "My Family" stick figure decals for the back of my car. It`s going to be me, a bottle of whiskey, and a pizza.
I have OCD and ADD, so everything must be perfect..but not for very long.
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn`t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
If people say you`re acting "really weird," take it as a compliment that you usually only act semi-weird and now you`re totally nailin` it.
If the NSA and IRS teamed up, I wouldn’t have to do my taxes.
It`s really quite simple ... I do what I want! ... The End.
I could write an entire book on excuses... but I have to drop my dog off at the airport.
When I drink I become everybody`s friend which makes up for my hating everybody when I`m sober.
My lucks so bad if I bought a cemetery people would stop dying.
Farted in my wallet, Now I have gas money.
Life is so hard when you have twenty TV shows to watch.
The police want to interview me. Strange, I didn`t even apply for a job there.
A naughty thought is a terrible thing to waste
Why do single women take dating advice from other single women? That`s like Stevie Wonder giving driving directions to Ray Charles.