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My new plan is to ignore my problems until they become hilarious stories.
There is no such thing as a stupid question, but there are such things as stupid people who ask questions.
The next time someone asks me what I`m doing, I`m gonna reply "I`m breathing 2 stay alive how about u"?
Basketball would be a lot more exciting if each team was allowed one bear.
This morning I got in touch with my inner self. And that`s also the last time I`ll buy cheap toilet paper...
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it`s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
A communist joke isn`t funny unless everyone gets it.
When people say, "You look familiar," i like to reply with, "Do you watch porn?"
Use Angie`s List if you want a plumber to come over. Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
I`m often a little confused when people call me insane because, to be honest, I`m still just warming up.
I read in a book somewhere that we only use 12% of our brains....I wonder what the other half is for?
Talking to me this morning is like trying to dribble a ball with not enough air in it.
Kinda hard to believe not a single mutant at professor Xavier’s school had the power to heal a dude’s legs.
I bet if you asked a one-eyed person, they`d tell you it really WAS all fun and games up until that point.
I always look out for #1 ... unless I`m walking thru my yard, then I look out for #2