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I don’t think it’s a coincidence that morning and mourning sound the same.
Beer and a 44 magnum with an everclear shot makes everything good like Nintendo
Whatever you do in life, always give 100%…unless you’re donating blood…
Your personality needs alcohol.
At this point in my life the only reason I want to be rich is to hire somebody to clean my house.
why do wise people never make wisecracks?
You know it`s way past your bed time when the 1-800-dial-a-hoe commercials come on.
Research shows that, when someone shouts "Oh no he didn`t!" ... He in fact did.
Been there, done that. Then, been there several more times, because apparently I never learn.
I`m probably not going to get accepted into the optimist club.
This could be the best day ever… but it isn’t. Again.
Behind every good selfie is approximately 47 nearly identical pictures that didn`t make the cut.
Opposites attract, that`s the trouble with being awesome
"you failed just as much as your dads condom."
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: The one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.