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You seem to love cocktails... or part of it.
I was thinking about selling my old phone but I think it knows too much.
I`ll be thankful when this thankful month is over.
My wife looks for signs Iām cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
"You`re as crazy as your mother" is the last thing I remember saying before waking up in intensive care
Just because they sell yoga pants in XXL doesn`t mean it`s ok to wear them in public.
I either get what I want or I change my mind!
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself was clearly never married.
Wait, there`s a "wrong hole"?
These spaghetti-o`s taste like I don`t get paid until tomorrow.
Girl:How do u feel? Boy:With your hands
Uhm, excuse me waiter... I`d like to return my food. It only received 5 likes on Instagram.
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
You seem to be very educated on the things you make up.
If the Sahara Desert had a motto it would be "Long time, no sea."