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Show me in the employee handbook where it says I have to like you. Go on, I`ll wait.
i hate not being able to correct the typo i just made in my previous statues update......DAMN IT! I JUST DID IT AGAIN!
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn`t know you did that for fun.
You can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn`t come back, what you`ve lost is a regular pigeon.
Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle
It`s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you`ve reached your destination.
DATING TIP: never reveal how many cats you have.
Think about the nicest thing anyone`s ever said about you. Not really true, right?
Ever update an app and realize the "fixed issues" were all a lie and it will never be the same? That`s what going back to an ex is like.
People who don`t understand sarcasm are awesome.
The only way I know if I`ve bought enough beer is if my car thinks I have a passenger
I wouldn`t consider myself someone that litters but I do turn on my windshield wipers while im driving down the road to get rid of that useless flyer some idiot put on my car when I quickly run into the store.
Irony is paying a therapist to listen to how you don’t like talking to other people.
My scars tell a story. A story about a guy who`s really f*cking clumsy.
I hate it when people tell me I look young for my age because it implies my age is old.