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*licks finger, holds it up in the air* ah yes, just as I suspected. wind.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy, if you put it in your stomach first.
I bet it’s called Almond Milk, because no one would buy Nut Juice.
Sex, drugs, and candy crush all have one thing in common. It’s only an addiction if you start paying for it.
After how long is it ok to tell your friends that they are imaginary?
All alcohol will make my clothes fall off… tequila just makes that happen in public.
These animal crackers are crap, this elephant tastes exactly like that giraffe did.
Guys, how many times have you said "it looks great honey" when you really are just laughing inside?
I don`t like selfish people. I saw this guy pushing like 50 carts at Wal-mart last night. Really? You think someone else might want one?
He who laughs last didn´t get it.
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
Lets not kid ourselves, if the zombie apocalypse broke out, there are a couple people we would swear were zombies so we could shoot them
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work. I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
Dear vegetarians, thanks for saving all the good food for us.
I’m not lazy, I just really enjoy doing nothing.