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If you are offended by the things I post on FB you can only imagine the ones I don`t post.
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and texted me 3 days later asking if I have a girlfriend yet.
Someday, I hope to be so rich that I`ll never be happy again.
Politicians and diapers should be changed regularly and for the same reason...
*Gets absolutely nothing done*ā¦ Welp time for a break.
I`m curious: Do girls shake the gasoline nozzle when they`re taking it out of their cars too?
Ordering a water with lemon says āIām too cheap to buy a drink, but I still like a little zing.ā
is trying to decide ... laundry today or naked tomorrow
After four karate lessons, I can now break a two-inch board with my cast.
Has marriage been on Mythbusters yet?
Home is where I can look ugly and enjoy it.
The best way to make a bad day better is by adding alcohol.
I got a little package in the mail today. For some reason it just reminded me of my ex.
Sometimes I do totally awesome and amazing things just to throw people off.
To my neighbor using a chainsaw at 7:30 on a Sunday morning: Try holding the other end.