Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
Much to my daughters horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base`s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of her friends. Being a dad is fun!
To get laid is good. To get off is good. To get laid off is bad.
I have no problem giving credit when credit is due. It’s giving payment when payment is due that I seem to struggle with.
Hey! Wanna make $$$$$$ fast? Just follow my simple instructions. 1:Hold down the Shift key 2:Press the number 4 six times. It’s that easy.
I read my kids a few select facebook statuses before bed, kiss them on their heads, and whisper, "This is why we have to stay in school"
If Tetris has taught me anything it`s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
We all have that one friend that needs to learn how to whisper.
The thought of having my own kids is scary because anyone who`s half me and half someone dumb enough to have sex with me is doomed
Whenever I tell the cashier to ‘keep the change`, it takes everything in my power not to call them a filthy animal.
When I first went on the pill, I put on some weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
The best part about being a pathological liar is flying my helicopter to my private island.
I was going to change my profile pic to a pumpkin for Halloween, but it didn`t look that much different from my actual head.
I hope this coffee gives me the energy to look busy all day.
Birds do it. Bees do it. Heck, even fleas do it. Let`s do it! Let`s live in a homeless man`s beard!
You find it offensive?... I find it funny.... That`s why I`m happier than you