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I have two feelings, it`s either "I`m hungry" or "I shouldn`t have eaten this much"
Saw a woman crying as she was buying tampons last night. ..Must be going through a tough period in her life.
It`s a good thing Taylor Swift and Adele aren`t dating. Imagine if they broke up.
What idiot called it Adderall instead of Accomplish Mints?
Without facebook: more sleep, less drama, and a life!
The average human uses less than 10 percent of the remote.
You know you`re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you`re down there.
If you hear sirens and see some naked dude with jeans on his head running down the street, be sure to throw me a beer.
It`s amazing how many pedestrians confuse right-of-way with immortality.
In an alternate universe somewhere, all the ducks are making white girl faces.
It is amazing how quickly kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, dishwasher, or vacuum cleaner.
I`m going crazy! Get in, you`re riding shotgun!
Pretending to be a functioning adult is exhausting.
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to `Toys For Tots` before you`re eligible for an Xbox?
I heard recently on the radio that, "If a man looks at womens breasts for 10 mins a day he will add 5 years to his life".. Can anyone confirm this?!! If so what are we waiting for?