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Today is different because after you lie to someone, you tell them you were lying.
You know what the cheapest meat is? Deer balls ... They`re under a buck
Don’t piss off old people. The older they get, the less ‘life in prison’ is a deterrent.
I swear my bed just whispered "Please Don`t go."
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities"
Doctors waiting room needs some music. And better lighting. And more women. And a pole in the middle of the room. And a buffet.
My car rides usually consist of playing my music on random, then pressing “next” about 400 times.
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy? Me: You have those here?!
Take me seriously at your own risk.
How come there are never any restrooms in my dreams
A Relationship is like poker, if you don`t have a partner you better have a good hand.
The awkward moment when people think you`re drunk when in fact you`re just a blast naturally.
Can`t they just make a "Poke infinity" button?
God is pretty creative. I mean, look at me.
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that sh!t.