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Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. Im pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
I`ve had like 10 red bulls, so of course I`m vacuuming the front yard.
The world would be a much nicer place if everyone took a chill pill. It would be even better if some of them choked on it.
If you`re a vegan an atheist and a liberal, how do you choose which way to annoy people at Thanksgiving first?
I scream, You scream, We all scream, Because grandpa forgot his hearing aids again.
I don’t necessarily enjoy being the bad influence…but hey, somebody has to do it!
When I got divorced, we split the house. I got the outside....
Rabbits jump and they live for 8 years. Dogs run and they live for 15 years. Turtles do nothing and they live for 150 years. Lesson learned.
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It`s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
I was stood in front of the mirror last night, admiring my six pack. Then it occurred to me, why the f*ck am I not drinking it?
Due to Global Warming Santa will be giving out Solar Panels to all the naughty kids this year!
At this stage of my life, "Good in Bed" means not snoring or stealing the covers.
I`m not interested in anything that requires 5 hours of energy.
If your conspiracy theory doesn`t involve cats and dogs, don`t bother me.
I think a clear conscience is really just memory loss.