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This debt collector was just so surprised I answered my phone that they stuttered and hung-up lmao!!
Next time you take your dog for a walk pretend he`s solving a mystery.
i think lady gaga puts glue on herself, and rolls around random items.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the people I can not change.
I don`t like making plans for the day, because then the pesky word "premeditated " gets thrown around in court.
There are no limits to what you can accomplish when you’re supposed to be doing something else.
Warning: I just get weirder.
I`ve just invented an invisibility cloak; anything under it is rendered completely invisible. I`m still working out the kinks; you can still see the cloak itself
"I`m not drunk" - Biggest Friday Night Lie.
Finally, my winter fat is gone, now all I have are spring rolls.
In an effort to explain marriage to my son I put Dora the Explorer on in Spanish and told him to figure it out or he sleeps on the couch.
“Dad, I’m hungry.” “Hi, Hungry. I’m Dad.” - Every time.
I can`t wait to be ashamed of what I do this weekend
That awkward moment when you type your password where you should`ve typed your email, and your friend`s standing right there -___-
If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, does it really have calories?