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Apparently you have to go to the gym more than once to get in shape, what the hell.
Remember when phones were stupid and people were smart?
You are on the list of the many things I would do for a Klondike bar.
Some things are better left unsaid, but I`m probably gonna get drunk and say them anyway.
If an officer asks “do you know why I pulled you over?” “Because it’s the only way to get girls to talk to you” is a bad answer, apparently
When you were little, “I’m going to tell your mom” was the scariest sentence ever.
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn`t 3 hours long.
I want the time management skills of people who effortlessly carve out entire hours to be offended by every single thing on the internet.
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it`s fun to push things down the stairs.
Have you ever noticed how people who play candy crush are always saying they need a life?
The most frustrating thing I`ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
A lot of guys get married just because they`re hungry.
Dear life, When I said "can my day get any worse?" it was a rhetorical question, not a challenge.
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down post at night, so far I have: Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
“Is it food time yet?” = The summarization of most of my thoughts.