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Peyton Manning saw his shadow this morning...that means six more weeks of bad Papa Johns commercials.
"Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend--STOP SCREAMING, I`M ASKING THEM"
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
so I got really drunk last night, but I was good and took a bus home. the only problem I have now is I dont remember where I put the keys to the bus.
You offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she’s not your friend anymore.
Sometimes I feel moderately intelligent. Other times I have to sing the "ABCs" in my head to remember which letter comes next.
The male version of a tramp stamp should be called a douche tag.
There are times, when I actually am hungry like the wolf. But thanks to Duran Duran I can`t tell anyone without sound like a complete f*cking idiot
How do you know if your girlfriend is getting fat?...She fits into your wife`s clothes.
If I learned anything from my children, it`s that it is always OK to do something stupid, as long as someone DARED you to do it.
Porn teaches kids an unhealthy and unrealistic idea of how quickly a plumber will come to your house.
If people could hear the next five seconds after we hit end call, we would all have no friends.
A homeless man told me he hadn`t had a bite in weeks, so I bit him.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
Me: "Sorry I`m late. Car trouble." Him: "What kind of car trouble?" Me: "It doesn`t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start."