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Three decades of playing Tetris have apparently not improved our nation`s ability to stow overhead luggage.
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
OMG! A CUSTOMER ALMOST DIED IN FRONT OF ME TODAY!! But then I counted to 10 and put the scissors back in the drawer. She never even knew.
Someone said to me earlier, "Your face looks very familiar". I said, "I know, I`ve had it a long time."
I dont mind if you call me Crazy, but dont you dare call me stupid. Because to be this crazy some intelligence is definitely required.
My resume is basically just a list of things I hate to do.
You can go a long way with a smile. You can go a lot farther with a smile and a gun.
When cleaning my house: 1% Cleaning 30% Complaining 69% Playing with stuffs that I just found
Laughter is not the best medicine. Laughter with large amounts of alcohol & wild crazy monkey sex - now that`s the best medicine.
A lot of times I wonder if people think my girlfriend is only with me for my money.....but I am always reassured by the fact that I don`t have any money..........or a girlfriend....
Things could be worse ... sex could be fattening
You call it Sushi, I call it bait.
It seems racist that they call it Black Friday just because a bunch of people are trying to get into stores in the middle of the night.
Some people are like clouds. When they go away, it’s a beautiful day.
A Whoopee cushion filled with gravy adds a hilarious new dimension to a rather tiresome practical joke.