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Oops! I hate when I pour myself a drink and then have 12 more by accident.
Always remember to speak clearly when complimenting a woman`s boots...
What would I do if I won the lottery? Make Charlie Sheen look like an amateur.
Boobs, because you can`t motorboat a personality.
There`s a fine line between crazy and free spirited and it`s usually a prescription.
There’s always that one person that catches you doing something weird.
Golf would be a lot more fun to watch on TV if the balls were on fire
John has 35 candy bars. If John eats 27 of them what does he have? .... Diabetes. John has diabetes.
"2 weeks with my baby xoxoxo" lol,calm down romeo&juliet.
If people in horror movies listened to me, they would still be alive.
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming.
Damn, it`s like these people have never seen anyone bring a flask to the gym before.
If you pour two beers in one glass, it`s just one beer.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on Facebook. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
I will vote for Donald Trump just to hear him tell Obama he`s fired!!