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My phone just changed, `calendar` to `cake radar` and now I really wish I had that.
Stop complaining about being single on Valentine`s Day. We have bigger problems in this world. Like why McDonald`s doesn`t serve breakfast after 10.30
I couldn`t help but notice that I would like to have sex with you more frequently!
Renewed my "Man Card" today, by going out in the cold, drizzly weather to cut firewood. In other news, police are investigating sightings of a chainsaw wielding maniac in the my area. I hope the catch that nut job!
Did you hear that? That was the sound of soccer being irrelevant in the US for another 4 years..
I like to go on drunk facebook post binges, then claim the next day that someone hacked my account.
The truth is, men put the lids on jars that tight so you’d need us, we’re not that stupid.
I might not be smarter than a 5th grader, but I can buy beer.
Even though I`m only 29, I know I`m going to die a bitter, lonely, miserable old man ... I`m married.
Whenever someone says they did something, "like a boss", I assume that means they didn’t do it at all and are merely taking credit for it.
I`m afraid if I start working out, I`ll be too sexy
I sold my house this week. I got a pretty good price for it, but it made my landlord mad as hell.
My boss acts like during March Madness is the only time we`re less productive. Its cute
I have no idea how I used to look for things in the dark before I had a cellphone.
Meaningless statistics are up 17% today