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I`ve spent approximately 2% of my life walking back to the trash can and checking the box to see how long I need to microwave my food.
is available for rebound sex.
Never wake a sleeping woman. Because then she´ll be awake.
Just got a new phone. Pretty pissed all my contacts were not lost.
FACT: The "sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don`t" is not really a good defense in court
Just changed my wireless network name in my apartment to "I can hear you having sex through the ceiling and it sounds mediocre."
Next time a conspiracy theorist says, "That`s what they want you to think," say, "No, but that`s what they wanted you to tell me."
My house was clean yesterday, sorry you missed it.
Five second rule? Pfft. What`s the point of having an immune system if you`re not going to use it?
The feeling you get when a woman asks you to guess her age is like wondering whether to cut the blue wire or the green wire when defusing a bomb.
A friend of mine told me i have to update my self and I asked my self : does he mean there can be a latest version of me?
I was the only one that cared when Jimmy cracked corn.
I’ve spent way too much of my life wondering why food doesn’t rhyme with good.
Yeah... I may be old... But I`m still hot..... They just come in flashes now!
"F*ck that sh!t", is a perfectly acceptable replacement for the word "no"