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The worst time to need to sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
Finally figured out what women want...SECURITY!!!......(At least that`s what they all yell when I try to talk to them...)
Your dating profile should be like house listings. 1. Sq. footage 2. Date built 3. # of previous owners? 4. Finished basement?
Hump Day!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
2017 didn`t need that extra hour back.
I never owned a telescope, but it`s something that I`m thinking of looking into.
The whole purpose of vacationing is to make you appreciate knowing where the channels are at home.
I hate it when I write a sarcastic Facebook status and someone who doesn’t speak sarcasm has to comment and ruin it.
If you ever need nothing I am here for you.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
I would of read and liked your status if it wasn`t like 3 pages long.
Can I apologize in advance for basically everything I will ever do???
A compromise is an agreement whereby both parties get what neither of them wanted.
New Game: Attach a mustache to your TV. Drink every time it lines up with someone`s face.