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My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
There’s no question about it, the second half of the tank of gas goes twice as fast as the first!
Every so often I’ll listen to my wife talk non stop for hours at a time, to remind myself why people wander into traffic without looking.
I don`t know why people say "your guess is as good as mine"? ..because my guesses are always better. ;)
Still waiting for a criminal on Law and Order to say,,, "Hey,, Aren`t you Ice-T?"
I was sitting on the toilet when the guy in the stall next to me started smoking. Disgusting. I nearly couldn`t finish my sandwich.
Don`t be ashamed of who you are. That`s your parents job.
Most difficult job ever.......Working in a bubble wrap factory......Imagine the self control needed.
The first rule of elevator club is don`t talk to other members of elevator club.
Sorry I missed your call. I was peeing and had both hands full.
You should NEVER say and I mean NEVER say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she`s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at the moment.. :|
The only reason I offer to be the designated driver is so people will get used to seeing me load lifeless bodies into my car.
You haven’t truly won an argument until the other person says “whatever.”
Sometimes my mind wanders, other times it leaves completly. ;)