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Look, all I`m saying is, you never see Nikki Manaj and E.T. in the same place at the same time.
If doing things was as easy as thinking about doing things Iād get a lot more done.
I wish I would of asked if she believed in sex after marriage
He turned to her, ran his hand up her thigh, across her belly and down her legs. When he turned back to watch TV, she asked "Why stop?" "I found the remote!" he replied.
I`m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
Offering a homeless dude $5 from across the street is my version of Frogger.
Exaggerations went up a million percent last year.
I will always be here for you. Unless we run out of beer and someone has some over there. Then I will be over there for you.
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers? I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those ... Wait ... Two. I have 2 kids.
I`d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars. Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
Remember before we met? I miss those days.
Forgotten pocket money is the best!
Kinda funny how the Mayans said we were all gonna die in 2012, but they all disappeared way before us.
These bar stools are creaky!! [continues to fart on first date]
Iām so glad I was young and stupid before there were camera phones.