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I`m not allowed to have any energy drinks until all the cat`s hair grows back.
I want the job where you push scared skydivers off the plane.
If you are naughty go to your room, if you wanna be naughty go to mine :)
I was addicted to the Hokey Pokey but I turned myself around.
If the NSA and IRS teamed up, I wouldn’t have to do my taxes.
Sleeping is so difficult when you have a world awake in your phone.
You should probably take everything I say with a grain of salt. And lime. And shot of tequila.
Do you ever wonder how many people’s dreams you have been in?
wants my 260 FB friends to know I love you all..except #193
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
This looks like a job for Superman! -unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
You can call someone who makes prosthetics a professional body builder
My mother said, “You won’t amount to anything because you procrastinate.” I said, “Oh ya…..Just you wait.....”
Just burned 3 calories typing this with my thumb muscles. #fitness
The club sandwich, for when a knuckle sandwich just isn`t enough...