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Instead of cleaning my house I just watch an episode of hoarders and think " Wow my house looks great"
How to know you have a sunburn: Smack the spot. If you scream in pain, its a sunburn
The sense of success when you’ve had something stuck between your teeth and you manage to free it after 25 mins of tactical tongue pressure.
I`d better check my phone for texts from friends. *checks phone* Well, I`d better get some friends...
The male version of a tramp stamp should be called a douche tag.
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
Is it just me or is waking up at 3am and trying to read a text message like looking directly into the sun?
My favorite word is `apparently`. Makes anything sound sarcastic. He`s intelligent, apparently.
roses are red, violets are blue, god made everyone beautiful, what the hell happened to you?
Nothing says "I`ve already given up on this day" quite like a Taco Bell breakfast.
Have you noticed that the "lol" symbol looks like a drowning guy? i bet hes not laughing out loud
When I die I want someone to play that little death jingle from Mario Bros at my funeral.
My method of going "offline" in FB chat is to just ignore you.
I`m off and running like a wounded herd of turtles on valium
The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.