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Note To Self: Even if someone really needs it, strangling them is still illegal.
The guy who invented wet t-shirt contests probably has no idea that shirts can just be taken off.
I wish I could veto MY bills.
Hi, we`re a group of teens who solve mysteries! We wanna be taken seriously so we wrote a theme song about how we can`t ever find our dog.
I`m so hot I stalk myself ;)
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, "Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!"
It`s bad luck to be superstitious.
??q? uo p??oq??? ? ?nq i ??i? ?s?? ??? si si??
Auto correct changed "group hug" to "grope hug" and I`m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
Just ONCE I`d like someone to call me "sir" without adding "this is a place of business, please put your pants back on."
Rejected Olympic Events: Javelin Catch... Jello Shotput... Border Fencing... Cardboard Boxing... Menstrual Cycling... Salad Tossing... Wrestling Demons...
Hey, sorry I missed your call. I saw your name on the caller ID and I didn’t want to ruin my day by talking to you.
I like how the nice people of Sesame Street all know that Oscar the Grouch lives in that can, and yet they still stuff their trash into it.
And the day after Christmas has revealed that the holiday is just an elaborate ruse to get you home to fix your parents computer problems.
"Are you even listening to me?" is a weird way for my girlfriend to start a conversation.