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I only change the kitty litter like once every two weeks but in my defense I don`t have a cat
When I try to fold fitted sheets it looks like I’m in an infomercial that’s exaggerating how difficult it is to fold fitted sheets.
People who are offended by offensive things offend me.
Times change When I was a kid, werewolves and vampires were very scary. Now everyone wants to have sex with them
I hate it when I mentally undress a woman and my OCD kicks in and I start folding her clothes.
I’m not fat... my stomach is 3D.
Good morning to some...Hello to others...And f*uck you to the rest!!
I`ve started to make a fresh start in 2015, so if I owe you money, too bad.
A homeless man comes up to me asking for change, I say "Change comes from within." He looked stunned.
Whenever I watch the TV show Friends, I imagine I`m the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him.
Yes, it`s a bad time. Let me call you back when I`m not feeling so honest.
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says "declined" whenever you use it.
I will kill you with kindness even if I have to beat the sh!t out of you.
How long do I have to lay on the couch in the same position before I can call it "yoga"?
I`m that friend you have to explain to people before you introduce me... And apologize for after.