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If your problem can’t be solved by me saying “damn” and nodding a lot, then you shouldn’t come to me for help.
When the zombie apocalypse hits, I know EXACTLY who I`m tripping first...
Taking selfies is a lot of work when you’re not attractive.
I had four E`s and LSD last night. Such an awful start to a game of scrabble!!
Attention burglars: We may or may not be home. Or maybe we are hunters, waiting for you to get closer for a kill shot
If I rapped I would have to start doing way more stuff because only so many things rhyme with couch.
Car horns were invented 1% for safety and 99% because people get pissed off sometimes and need to let a mofo know.
If I weren´t such an alcoholic I would throw my drink in your face
I simply haven’t seen enough solid evidence that suggests not drinking is better than drinking.
Sorry, when I said I have the stamina of an NBA player in bed I meant I take 10 timeouts in the final 2 minutes.
I really think there should be a separate driving lane for those of us running solely on caffeine and rage.
Only a fool trips on what`s behind him.
Not clicking like on this status makes your a$$ look fat.
I’m on a forgotten-name basis with quite a lot of people.
Me and my recliner...we go way back.