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You never know what you are missing,until you clean your room.
If doing things was as easy as thinking about doing things I’d get a lot more done.
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though.
Marriage is like playing Monopoly. It starts out as fun, gets a little boring, then someone steals money from the bank and no one ever wins.
I hate when I`m wearing my apple bottoms jeans and I can`t find boots with the fur.
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
That moment when you realize the object of #WeightWatchers is NOT see who can score the most points...
Paintball is much more fun when the other people at Walmart don’t know we are playing.
This could be the best day ever… but it isn’t. Again.
Whenever a stranger asks our baby’s name, I always say he hasn’t told us yet.
I`m sorry officer, I thought you wanted to race.
I hate it when I tell someone I`ll be there in 10 minutes, but they continue to call me every half-hour anyway
Just remember, outside of that beautiful slim bride on her wedding day there’s a fat woman just waiting to get in.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
I just hope people who say "Jesus is my co-pilot" realize he`s a 1st century carpenter with no time in a flight simulator.