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I hate waking up all hungover, eyebrow shaved, and a d!ck drawn on my face ... Especially since I was drinking alone last night.
Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
Lord, grant me the courage to be the person I am under my breath.
Mad respect to people who can stop eating when they`re full.
Wine doesn`t have many vitamins. That`s why you have to drink a lot of it.
Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won´t spoil me.
Don`t worry about old age, it doesn`t last that long.
You`d think he`d be better at this with all the porn he watches
Wine improves with age. I improve with wine.
I`m a firm believer that if something takes 10 minutes to cook on 200 degrees then it should only take 5 minutes to cook on 400 degrees
If you ever think someone’s too cute to talk to just remember that they poop too.
Personally, I think failure should be an option
Considering that dogs pee to mark territory, they probably think humans are constantly battling over who gets to claim the toilet.
Typical: you have nothing to wear for a party and suddenly the rabbits, the birds and the mice begin to sew you a dress
I dont run from my problems, I chase them ... with alcohol