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Listening to your wife is like reading the terms and conditions of a website. Sometimes you understand nothing, and still you say..."I Agree".....!
You know you watch too much porn when you go to a hospital expecting a threesome.
In lieu of a gift I liked a couple of charities on FB in your honour
Yes I walked away mid-conversation. You were boring me to death and my survival instincts kicked in.
Normal people scare me ... But not as much as I scare them. :)
Some of the best decisions I`ve ever made involved me clicking cancel instead of send
If you need me I`ll always be stuck behind the person who doesn`t know how to use the CVS self-checkout aisle.
I have completely mastered the right way to do everything wrong.
If you think my status updates are ridiculous you should see my life choices
Dogs are God`s way of apologizing for your relatives.
I`m giving up procrastination for Lent ... starting tomorrow.
Pretty sure I know what my wife`s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, "A 3-way?" she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
My therapist keeps saying that I should really stop talking to inanimate objects.....but he`s a lamp...what does he know....
I will vote for Donald Trump just to hear him tell Obama he`s fired!!
You had me at Rice Krispies Treats