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That awkward moment when you give the same Hallmark card two years in a row.
I wish I could afford to be as weird as I wanna be.
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, "I don`t think you`re supposed call people that any more."
Thank goodness I`m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can`t blame it on the alcohol.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed.
A vegan friend on FB said if we had to kill our own food, we wouldn`t eat meat... I think if he had to build his own computer he couldn`t whine on FB.
Why is it when you have a day off you seem to bounce out off bed at 6am, but the days you go to work, it takes a forklift and 2 sticks of dynamite to separate me from my pillow??
Dear Fruity Pebbles: Calorie content w/out milk is unnecessary. Anyone shoving dry Fruity Pebbles down their throat isn’t counting calories.
Of course everyone deserves a 2nd chance, but I gave yours to someone else.
This beer is making me awesome !! ;)
Mornings are the best when they start in the afternoon.
Whatever you do in life, always give 100%...unless you`re donating blood...
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
My wife told me to strive for perfection, so I divorced her and started dating a swimsuit model.
I like to walk by a chick in slow motion so she thinks i`m the one