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And, yet another day I’ve gone without using calculus.
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it`s a website to find love. So I was close.
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
I accidentally spilled spot remover on my dog and now he’s gone.
If you`re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
Marriage is just a 50 year long negotiation over thermostat settings.
When I was a kid and was going to "get it" that was bad. Now I`m an adult and I`m going to "get it" :)
#1738 "The fact that people use the wrong "your" and "there" yet spell "Bieber" correctly bothers me."-dd
Nothing says "friend zone" quite like a girl saying "you`re like a brother to me." (Disregard this message if you`re from Alabama)
Trust me , as you get to know me , i just get weirder.
If I drove a UPS truck there’s a 100% chance I would fall out of the truck when I turned corners.
I don`t care what the expiration date says, I have to smell it
Your screenshots of text message conversations tell me: 1. you have a great sense of humor 2. to never trust you
I’ve never been a millionaire, but I know I’d be excellent at it.
A friend suggested I see a therapist but the truth is, I like being f*cked up.