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If I meet you for a date and you don`t look anything like your pic, you`re buying drinks for me until you do.
In Store Special - "You`re My One and Only" Valentine`s Day cards... 4 for $5...
I joined weight watchers last month, so far I lost 38 dollars...
We live in a world in where it is easier to get out of a marriage than a mobile-phone contract
I’ve thought long and hard, and have decided on my New Year’s resolution ... 1024×768.
Honestly, I`m so awesome that I wish I could meet myself and get my own autograph.
Everyone wants you to "be honest" until you tell them how much they suck.
I need professional help. A chef and a butler will do just fine.
Most computer problems are caused by a loose nut between the chair and the keyboard.
I guarantee there`s a pregnant teenager somewhere who thinks `Ebola` would be a lovely name for their child.
Whenever I try cleaning my room I either end up making a bigger mess, or just playing with the stuff I thought I lost.
Sometime when I`m home alone I like to fill my bathtub with spaghetti and pretend I`m a meatball.!
My friend told me he`s going to have a sex change. Apparently, he just wants to eat, drink, and be Mary.
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
I already know that I`m going to hell ... At this point it`s really go big or go home.