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Jehovah`s witnesses don`t celebrate Halloween. I guess they don`t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
I like birthdays, but I think too many can kill you.
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
I can`t believe I was late for work tomorrow..
"He sure seems like a nice young man" is Grandma-speak for "I`d totally hit that."
Some of my best memories are naps.
If you need me I`ll always be stuck behind the person who doesn`t know how to use the CVS self-checkout aisle.
I`ve upped my driving skills, no go Up yours!
If I`m guilty of anything it`s loving you too much. Oh and indecent exposure...I suppose trespassing too.
If Facebook has taught us anything, it`s that a lot of people are not quite ready for a Spelling Bee.
You know that greener grass you see over there? You do realize it`s because they fertilize it with bullsh!t right?
That awkward moment when the creepy guy in the white van doesn`t have candy...
Honey, tact is for people who aren`t witty enough to be sarcastic.
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I`d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
Intelligence is like underwear. It`s important that you have it but there`s no need to show it off.