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If anyone every texts me "who is this" I always respond "Jake from State Farm"
I love how people say they`re "expecting" a baby, as though it might be something else, like a penguin.
If a girl can kick your a$$ at video games, she’s a keeper.
The good thing about being tall is, you can`t get lost in a crowd. The bad thing is, you can`t get lost in a crowd.
I never thought I`d be one of those people that hit the gym early in the morning ... I was right!
It saddens me to say that after tasting this homemade whiskey/nacho cheese ice cream, I’ve found not all dreams are meant to be followed.
One day, I`m gonna wait for the Wal-Mart greeter to go on a bathroom break, step in their place, and begin welcoming everyone to K-mart.
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
The day I understand females will be the day i`ll be officially known as Jesus
"2, 4, 6, 8!! Ride my face let`s fornicate!!!" And with that, HR banished me from all future employee picnics.
Never squat with your spurs on
I don’t use Siri because I have to deal with enough women who have no personality and know everything.
I hope this coffee gives me the energy to look busy all day.
Sarcasm is a dominant gene in my family.
Tell a therapist, Not Facebook.