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Is there anyone called Phillip here? I found your screwdriver.
When you are dead, you do not know you are dead. It`s only painful and difficult for others. The same applies when you are stupid.
I`d rather be in a relationship where no one wears the pants.
Before I got married I didn`t even know there was a wrong way to put the milk back in the fridge
My imaginary friend is bullying me.
I hope your day is as nice as your butt.
I have more conversations in my head than I do in real life.
Life is like a bowl of soup; you only get blown if you`re hot.
Life`s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
Can you imagine the reaction 20 years ago if you showed people a photo album filled with pictures you took of yourself in the bathroom?
Within 2 minutes, I can gather enough things to allow me to sit and watch tv without getting up for at least 4 hours... Don`t question my laziness
Whenever I see people lined up outside a club on Friday night, I just think "look at all these poor people who don`t know Netflix exists."
I want to see a pregnancy test commercial where 2 single people high five the sh!t out of each other because it`s negative.
Hoping that Steve Harvey isn`t the one announcing the winning Powerball numbers tonight!
I ordered an Asian hooker last night. She showed up 2 hours late. She loved me wrong time.