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God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and ten million dollars.
I have short term memory. I also like to fish. Also, I have short term memory.
If my job was to make health questionnaires, I`d slip in random stuff like "How fast can you run backwards?"
What`s it called when it`s 9:20am and you can`t wait for dinner? Oh, it`s called fat. Nevermind.
I would call my fashion style: “clothes that still fit.”
I leave notes on people’s windshields telling them I smashed their car and did an amazing job fixing it.
Remember this when you are drunk: You can`t fall off the floor.
My dog acts like her entire family was murdered by a vacuum cleaner.
I always find the "easy-open tab" right after I finally manage to tear the package open with my teeth.
I`m always right. And when I`m not, I edit Wikipedia.
When someone is murdered, they always investigate the spouse 1st. And that pretty much tells you everything you need to know about marriage.
Make librarians cry by calling it a Book Museum while taking pictures with your iPad.
Keep it up and I`ll make sure u end up on a milk carton.
How long are Winnie the Pooh and Tigger going to ignore the fact there`s something seriously wrong with Eeyore
If whores, witches, ghosts and hobo`s show up on my doorstep, I can only assume it`s Halloween because our family reunion was in July....