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You wouldn`t believe all the cool stuff I find when I`m under my bed playing.
I woke up this morning and my "check liver" light was on.
Once I`m finished with this last container of Cool Whip, I will be the proud owner of a complete set of salad bowls.
I often wondered what it`d be like to be married to an idiot. I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while...
My favorite thing about marriage is sharing a house with the person most likely to murder me.
People should seriously stop expecting normal from me...We all know it`s never gonna happen
Having a bit of a lazy day, sitting in my underwear looking for jobs online ... My boss doesn`t look amused
Don’t judge someone because they sin differently than you.
A trail of clothes leading to my bedroom means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
Him: What to play Trivial Pursuit? Her: Sure, But I,m not that smart. Him: What to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
I would`ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited `til it was dark instead.
What`s the hold up on making extremely heavy shoes for toddlers so they can`t run around so much?
Sometimes the most spiritual thing you can do is go to bed.
I`m going to spend Valentine`s day with my ex.... Box 360
It’s sad how Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his crappy ACME gadgets, and not for his brilliantly realistic paintings of tunnels.