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*licks finger, holds it up in the air* ah yes, just as I suspected. wind.
All the noises I used to make during sex, I now make getting up in my truck.
A penny for your thoughts. Five bucks if they`re dirty.
Remember when there was more important crap to do besides Facebook all day? Me neither.
I bet if you were in a city getting attacked by huge sci-fi monsters youd run and scream but in the back of your mind youd be like “awesome”
So this guy with a premature ejaculation problem comes out of nowhere.
I only have a kitchen because it came with the house.
My girlfriend left a note on the fridge, "It`s not working. I cant take it anymore, I`m going to moms" I opened the fridge, the light came on, the beer was cold, WTF is she talking about?
I wish Monday was a figment of my imagination.
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the adult version of hiding your report card from your parents.
Kids today will never know the frustration of having to rewind their dads porn tapes to the exact same spot...
Common Sense is so rare, it should be classified as a super power.
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
I said my wife`s name three times in front of the bathroom mirror and now my wallet`s empty...
When I`m bored, I send a text to a random number saying, " I hid the body, now what?"