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"I don`t know what the f*ck this tastes like." - first person to eat chicken.
Sorry I`m late... I accidentally pulled the chain on the ceiling fan one too many times for like 9 hours straight.
iOS 8 let`s you passcode lock specific apps? It`s fun imagining how many break ups that will cause.
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
I`ve seen more pins in the last few days then stone cold steve austin on groundhog day..
I like to walk around the house naked. Until the cops chase me back inside.
I always wince when someone tells me they’re going to hit the sack.
You can`t be ugly and play hard to get. It just doesn`t work that way...your already hard to want
It turns out if you cry at the DMV they`ll let you take a second photo
Not sure yet why this cookie dough has baking instructions on the package.
If you think my status updates are ridiculous you should see my life choices
one day a man seen a fairy, and asked.... could you make me irresistible to all women.... so she turned him into a credit card. :`D
I think my “check engine” light has finally burned out. So that’s good.
I am not retreating! I am advancing in a different direction!
Trojan should be sponsoring Teen Mom. That show is the best advertisement for why you should always wear condoms.