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Sometimes I say stuff without even meaning to be funny and I`m like "Man, my subconsicious is hilarious!"
Just woke up next to my bed. Not sure if I fell out or didn`t quite make it in.
Sleeping alone is a complete waste of my sexual talent.....
Just think: right now, your body is cookin` up some poop.
Lazy is a very strong word, I like to call it “selective participation.”
All women are crazy. But, if you pretend to listen to them when they talk, they will let you live.
My bank lets me send a text message and it will text back with my balance. Its a cool feature but I didn`t think the LOL was necessary.
If a group of midgets performed the YMCA song, it is to be considered that they did it in lowercase?
If you want to pick up girls ....Keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
I just saw a disclaimer that said "don`t try this at home", so I tried it at my neighbors house.
My friend said the only vegetable that could make him cry was an onion. That was before I hit him in the face with a watermelon.
FYI: I`m never gonna tell the person I`m meeting up with that you said hi.
If you love something, set it free. Maybe not dogs with rabies though. Or killer bees or pretty much any domesticated animal into the wild. Lots of stuff really. Look, the point is don`t love anything.
Clearly if you have to blame yourself, you`re not hanging out with enough people.
I call in sick on full moons just to make them wonder.