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Every time I`m about to win an argument with my wife someone wakes me up.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
The invention of the shovel must have been ground-breaking.
Oops! I hate when I pour myself a drink and then have 12 more by accident.
I never got the expression "complete idiot". Is there an Incomplete version?
Highway to Hell is a great song because you can play it at both your wedding and your funeral.
My new workout video is 20 minutes of me vacuuming over the same piece of string instead of picking it up.
"Trust your gut" is terrible advice. How can I put trust in something that tells me to eat an entire pizza when I get drunk?
I`m gonna hang a Batman outfit in my closet to screw with myself when I get Alzheimer`s.
If you don`t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
is running out of excuses for the stupid things I do. Please submit suggestions below.
I`ve accidentally swallowed a load of scrabble pieces.........My next poop could spell trouble.
People hiking with a giant stick never seem any better at hiking than the rest of us.
I just want to be rich enough to pay people to not talk to me.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you`ll be really far away from me with your motivational nonsense.