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Got a problem with me? I’m pretty sure a status on Facebook won’t fix it.
Consumer confidence is at an all time high, and so am I.
At least men and women agree on one thing, they both don’t trust women.
You see I, I´ve raise a toast to all of us. Who are breakin´ our backs everyday. If wantin´ the good life is such a crime. Lord, then put me away, yeah, here´s to you
The only people who care about my college degree are the college loan people.
Women`s magazines are so funny. 1: You`re beautiful and perfect just the way you are! 2: How to lose 20 pounds in 10 days.
Is it bad that "WINE" is always on my grocery list? At the top? In all caps?
If you want to set up a company and run it then that`s your business.
I’m not a comedian. I don’t tell jokes. I just tell the truth in a way it sounds funny.
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
This fly in my car is going to be very disappointed when it ends up at Walmart.
When I see a hot girl walking by, I like to look at her and blink very fast and repeatedly so it looks like shes walking in slow motion. Everything is better in slow motion =)
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem solver.
Jake from State Farm works some very crappy hours.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I`m not sure what it means.