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Statistically, 132% of all people exaggerate.
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
Ways to get to my heart: 1) food ... that’s pretty much it
These people keep looking at me like I`m the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
24 hours in a day.. 24 beers in a case.. coincidence?
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
It`s as if none of these people have ever seen a beer hat at the gym before.
I`ve decided to start taking more supplements: calcium pills for my bones, ginkgo pills for my memory, milk thistle for my liver, ginkgo pills for my memory...
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there`s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
Optimistic people want to hear the bad news first, while pessimists ask for the good. Realists just start drinking.
I like to think that people that unfriend me wake up months later regretting that irreversible and life altering decision.
Why is it always the same person getting in your way from start to checkout at the grocery store?
Send me one more game request and I`m showing up at your house drunk, at 4am, naked and demanding a game of Twister
Anyone know how much snow is too much snow not to go to the liquor store?