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According to my nipples, summer is over
Remember that there’s always someone cooler, smarter, stronger or prettier than you. That would be me.
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of "capes in the toilet water" accidents when they went to take a dump.
We have those sticky traps all around the house and I just found one moved clear across the room with all sorts of hair on it....so if anyone see`s a BALD mouse running around, it belongs to me
The computers were down at work today, so we had to do everything manually. It took me twenty minutes to shuffle the cards to play solitaire.
Taking a nap is always so risky like when will I wake up... In 30 minutes? in 3 hours? in 9 years?? no one can be sure
My body is made up of 90% water, 5% pizza and 5% wine.
I just assume I do everything wrong since I don`t have a wife to confirm it.
If you lose a tooth as an adult, the tooth fairy gives you a trailer.
Starting tomorrow: Whatever Life throws at me… I’m gonna duck so it hits someone else.
Apparently putting alka seltzers in my pockets while getting baptized and pretending I`m possessed by the devil is not funny.
Confuse your coworkers today by telling them you`re going to the restroom to do a "number 3"
Every Girls Night Out has at least one crier.
When you think about how big the Earth is, then how small it is compared to the Sun, and how the Sun is just a speck of dust in the universe, it`s easy to justify eating an entire chocolate cake.
Just think, there is an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: "Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?"