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Bored? Update your Facebook to “in a relationship” with someone you’ve never met just to see if they’ll confirm.
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
I’d be more motivated to work out if the stationary bikes had a little basket to hold my snacks and beer.
Whoa! Thank you warning label! I was actually considering using my new floor lamp in the shower.
Sometimes I wish that I could put my wife on airplane mode.
"Who`s this clown?" - every guy about every other guy who is in a photo with a girl we like
Man, that .01% of germs that can´t be killed by hand sanitizer must be some bad a$$ sh!t
Oh cool! ... I really do not care.
Don’t run with scissors — unless you’re stealing scissors, of course. If so, run. Run like the wind scissor thief!
If you are not sweating while doing it...then you are doing it wrong.
Don`t have sex man, it leads to kissing and pretty soon you will have to start talking to her..
Normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work and driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for — in order to get to the job you need to pay for the clothes and the car, and the house you leave vacant all day so you can afford to live in it.
I give up on life! I have better luck playing Monopoly...or Clue...
People often mistake me for being a good listener. The truth is, I really just don`t want to talk.
Hi, you`ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?