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Iām not the type of person you want to put on speaker during a phone conversation.
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ALCOHOL! Giving you the ambition to do anything, while simultaneously taking away your capability to do so.
I bought a blowup doll today, but I won`t blow her up until tomorrow. I don`t want to seem desperate.
No matter how old you are, an empty Christmas wrapping paper tube is still a light saber.
This salad is delicious, probably because it`s a donut.
my cross-eyed girlfriend left me today. She was seeing someone else.
Iām too young to be too old for everything.
Getting up in the morning is like writing an essay. You want to do it, it takes a lot of effort, and you usually quit halfway through.
You can tell a lot from a woman by her hands. For instance, if they`re placed around your throat she`s probably slightly upset.
All`s not lost my Friends. It won`t be long til people realize Selfie Sticks also make wonderful lightning rods......
There`s no way to gracefully remove a jacket while wearing a seatbelt...
Pregnancy test confirmed me my worst fear.......I`m just fat
I`d engage you in a battle of wits, but I`m afraid you`re unarmed.
One way to find out if you`re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you`re young, if they panic, you`re old.