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If I work up the courage to tell you I love you...the least you can do is introduce yourself to me dammit.
In post apocalyptic movies everyone wears leather ... but there are no cows.
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
Rapper; "I`m killing them snitches, smacking then bitches, smokin blunts and f*ckin hoes!" *wins award* Rapper: "I just wanna thank god.."
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
From now on, I will be replacing the word `sh*t` with `sugar` in my facebook statuses, so that I don`t come across as being so f*cking vulgar all the time.
“True beauty is within” for example opening your fridge.
If watching the big-screen TV with your pants off and a bag of Doritos is wrong, then they shouldn’t have couches at this Best Buy
I was going to do some spring cleaning, but the snow has ruined it for me.
If karma doesn`t hit you, I gladly will.
I`d have better people skills if I worked with better people.
Nobody tell my husband that "year round periods" aren`t a thing.
I wonder if monsters ever get scared that we might be hiding under their bed?
I would tell you to go to he!! but all dogs go to heaven.
I don`t understand why people pay therapists when I`ll tell them what`s wrong with them for free.