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My fitness goal is to weigh what I told the DMV I weigh.
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
My girlfriend said we can`t hang out this weekend because she doesn`t really exist.
My last relationship was a lot like The Notebook. It felt like it lasted forever and we both wanted to die towards the end.
Remember when there was more important crap to do besides Facebook all day? Me neither.
Not all guys just want s@x... I want sandwiches too.
Dating someone based only on looks is so shallow. Consider other things, like, do they have a lot of money.
Don`t worry, some people are their own punishment in life.
Accidentally punched myself in the face while trying to pull my blanket up, if that doesn`t accurately describe my life I don`t know what does
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I`m pretty sure she`ll figure out that I`m just after my money
Screw your recommended serving size. You don`t know me.
The lady next to me in the elevator told me to press One. That was the last thing I remembered
I`ll be there in a second I just gotta finish writing this letter of apology to a club owner for tearing up his dance floor last night..
Congratulations on becoming a homeowner! From now on, every noise you hear will cost you money.
So far this is the oldest I`ve ever been.