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Alcohol won’t solve your problems, but neither does milk or orange juice.
My salad pic. got more likes than your selfie.
A lot of you lose your sh!t and have some pretty epic, public meltdowns. I just wanted to say thanks.
Adding lyrics when you don`t know the words or making words up when you don`t speak the language. ;)
It`s so cold outside I had to put Jack in my Coke to keep it from freezing.
Mario Bros. Plumbing ????? (69 Reviews) Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfriend.
Sticks and stones, break my bones, but hollow points expand on impact!
Yet another advantage of being single. All I bring to Thanksgiving is empty Tupperware...
Having a bad day? Imagine a T-Rex trying to masturbate. you`re welcome.
Drink coffee! ... Do stupid things faster with more energy.
Autocorrect changed "you`re so wise" to "you`re so wide", and now I need to find a good hiding spot before my wife comes home.
If everyone would just be naughty next year, Santa would bring us all coal ... energy crisis solved!
People who think only god can judge them have obviously never hung out with my friends.
A homeless man just asked me if I was having a bad hair day, so I took my dollar back.
Based on my reaction to toast popping out of a toaster, I’d like to recommend you never throw me a surprise party.