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Had a big mix up at the store today... Apparently, when the woman said strip down facing me,she was referring to my credit card.
I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.
The real reason I`m not a superhero.... Pockets, I need my pockets.
It is amazing how a nice pair of boobs can hide serious flaws and signs of mental illness until after you marry them!
My life is just one long improvisation.
Those awkward moments when you catch yourself feeling frustrated with your kids for being just like you....
I found my wife through online dating. So, she`s definitely got some explaining to do!
I`ve been holding my stomach in for 3 years now so don`t talk to me about dedication!
whenever I take my clothes off the shower usually gets turned on
Wanna try something funny? Go to a bank and yell "NOBODY MOVE..(Scary pause)..I lost a contact lens."
If your phone gets wet, try putting it in a bag of dry rice. At night the rice will attract Asians who will fix your phone for you.
If tomatoes are a fruit, then ketchup is a smoothie.
Last night a movie theatre was robbed of $1000. The thieves took one large bag of popcorn, a combo meal, and a box of milk duds.
WARNING::World Health Organization says radiation from cell phones may cause cancer. Please text everyone you know about this.
Having the worst day ever. All traffic lights I passed were green so I had to stop on the side of the road to check my Facebook like some caveman.