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I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said "Die, Decepticons! Die!"
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there`s a home invasion, the intruder will think I`m part of the team.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don`t want to do.
I have found that the best work from home occupation is a bartender
I thought the voices in my head actually liked me until I found out they learned sign language just so they could talk sh*t about me.
Sure, Men love funny women. As long as they are pretty...and skinny...and they have a great pair of knockers!!
Dear neighbor mowing your yard this morning, I found my bagpipes for tonight.
Roses are red, this much is true, Violets are purple, not f*cking blue
Whenever someone says, "Have a good one." I always respond with, "I have a good one, I just wish it were longer."
Facebook needs a "slap a b!tch button"
sometimes... late at night... i rearrange traffic signs. people need to be challenged.
I don`t really like the idea that James Franco might be in my grandkids` history textbooks.
Iām at the age where all my posts start with the phrase āIām at the age where.ā
My newsfeed looks like a cross between a Civil War Soldier and ZZ Top photo album.
have you ever looked at someone and thought, "yeah you definitely have someone locked away in your basement."