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"We`re pregnant!" -people who don`t understand science
Falling in love is like watching a sexy person eat hot, crispy bacon and wanting to eat some, too. Marriage is like listening to them chew.
The 3 fastest means of communication: Telephone, Television, Tell-a-woman.
What happens on online stays online, forever and ever.
People who help you find what you are looking for in a liquor store should be called "Spirit Guides."
Don’t be upset that you’re single; be happy that someone isn’t ruining your life.
I feel like there’s something missing in my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
My daughter wanted a Cinderella themed birthday party, so I invited All of her Friends over and made them clean the house.
that annoying manager who thinks they are god ... you are not ... you are a douche box
This is how my week goes: Mooooooooooooonday Tuuuuuuuuuuuuesday Weeeeeeeeeeednesday Thuuuuuuuuuuursday FridaySaturdaySunday.
People hate facing the truth. Luckily the truth doesn`t give a sh*t.
My last thought in life will probably be ” I wonder what happens if I touch this?”
The majority of life`s greatest lessons are learned while observing your drunk friends.
My credit score is so bad I have started receiving pre-declined credit card offers
“Until death do us part,” means we will all be single in heaven, right?