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There’s no excuse for my behavior, so I’m drinking until I have one.
Instead of exes, they should be called whys.
If you surround yourself with people funny enough to make you laugh till your abs hurt, you’ll never have to work out!
I hide my vodka in orange juice
Dating someone solely on their looks is shallow. Consider other things such as how much money they have.
I can almost always tell when dinosaurs in movies aren’t real.
sometimes... late at night... i rearrange traffic signs. people need to be challenged.
I’m pretty sure putting time limits on when breakfast is served is unconstitutional.
As I slid my finger slowly down her G string, I thought to myself "this is a nice guitar"
This bar doesn’t know it yet, but it’s about to be karaoke night.
If tomatoes are a fruit, then ketchup is a smoothie.
Whew, good thing there`s a facebook petition for ending the shutdown, or else we`d be in real trouble.
Kids today will never know the frustration of having to rewind their dads porn tapes to the exact same spot...
Today`s the day I like to sneak onto the intercom at Walmart and say "would Jason Voorhees please report to aisle 13."
I swear, its like EVERY payday I gotta spend money cause there`s a birthday party to go to, a wedding, a baby shower, a new video game, a new stripper, something. Always something...